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who to speak to when i feel this way?

shame

like a bug beating against the walls of a glass jar, stuck.

surfed FB too long

so many of my friends, peers, colleagues from film school days are now, 15 years after film school, established in their fields. still active. still in touch w/each other. having won multiple academy/emmy awards.

why am i not part of that?

spending my hours doing what i’m doing?

what would i want to be doing besides this?

what, art-wise?

today i am planning to make salt-dough holiday ornaments w/anja & her friend.

why am i doing this and not something more ‘great’

more my voice?

or is this it? my voice?

frustrated.

sad.

i guess this blog that few read is a good place for these sorts of purges.

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6 thoughts on “banging on glass

  1. Your friends, peers, and colleagues from film school days who you admire… do they have kids, especially young ones?

    I’ve sometimes felt the same way about some of my school friends who have gone on to achieve great things career-wise. None of them have kids.

    Being a parent is very energy intensive. Looking over the years (from when Anja was a baby to the present), what changes do you see in yourself, energy-wise and inspiration-wise? Not stagnant, right?

    Even if stagnant, it’s also okay. Artists hit periods like that all the time. Some burn out early. Some don’t reach the height of their careers until they’re in their senior years. Some might be very prolific all their lives. Some might come up with remarkable works once a decade. No one knows for sure how their lives will unfold as they’re living them, and we each have our unique paths.

    Anyway, the kids and I made paper snowflakes with my senior charges yesterday and those were two hours well spent 🙂 Lighting up others’ lives in small ways is nothing to turn your nose up at!

    • Thank you for writing! Yes, some of them have young and older kids but you’re so right~ Things have _not_ been stagnant at all; I have certainly be changing; and we each have our unique paths.

  2. AK, I finished my MA ten years ago in Media Studies and Film and have not worked a day of it since, I also stopped writing and making art which I have done since forever. I feel what you are saying here. And I see all the “accomplishments” out there and the money I could be making, and differences to make in the world out there and yet, instead of “Leaning in” Sheryl Sandburg style, I think that there can be an equal if not a more important “hiking out.” In sailing parlance — when there is a continuous wind passing over the boat and onto the sail, the boat will tip. Leaning over the side, something that feels and looks like folly to the untrained eye, is required to keep the boat upright.

    This is our destiny, because here we are. We are creating people, keeping it steady. Important also to the making of our voices and eventually what we will be able to say/make when time comes, or failing that, what future generations will be empowered to say or make because of us. Mothering is not important in our culture, and yet, it is everything to humanity.

    I write this not because maybe you don’t know, but to remind myself.

  3. Thank you for writing, tmmccallum. I woke up to read this, am so touched you and echomyst wrote. Really wasn’t expecting anyone to find this. We were served notice to be out of our rental by 4/30 (w/option to exit earlier w/30 days notice) yesterday and these sorts of connections are why this area has begun to feel like home. I can see it – the ‘hiking out’, the fact this is part of our destiny since here we are. ❤

    • Oh no! How are you guys dealing with this news? Will you try to stay in the area, or take this as an opportunity to travel the world for extended periods?

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