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there is always that moment, at 10:45pm, when she wants me to play Catan Junior with her, and i’m exhausted and all i want to do is finish processing photos to wrap up my project,

and I know she’s wanting attention and loving

and i try to be patient

and i escort her to tuck her in to bed and kiss her

and she asks “why do you care so much about this [your project]?” [and in my head i hear: you care about it more than you care about me.]

and i explain: “it’s my passion project. you know how sometimes you are in the middle of making a potion, or cutting a cockroach in half as the case may be ;0) , and the last thing you want is to interrupt that?”

i tuck her in to bed.

she has some anger and tears to shed.

then she is back in connection and laughing, poking fun at me.

that mommy guilt.

my Authentic Movement teacher said, the other day, something along the lines of:

why not just honor that other (homeschooling) mom (of 4 kids who puts all her life force into facilitating her kids’ passions; maybe that _is_ her passion) and honor you as (homeschooling) mom (of 1 kid putting her life force into facilitating her kid’s passions _and_ her own separate passions)?

i heard the truth in that.

we are different. there are many ways to be AOK moms.

the comparison, the self-judgment, guilt, is a waste of energy.

i am who i am.

reminder to self: remember that moment when you felt anja’s spirit for the first time? greeted and welcomed her in. knew she picked you to be her bodily mom because you are the perfect, right mom for her in this incarnation?

i gift her many things~ interesting experiences as a result of being the person i am, doing the things i do. witnessing a mom pursuing her passions _and_ staying at home with her.

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(us in The Reading Window  opening night 11/5)

i’m doing aok.

she is a vibrant, healthy, well and happy spirit.

kindness, gentleness, love to myself.

it is okay that i am not 110% there for her all the time.

i am there. enough.

xo

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