thinkin’ ’bout fame tonight
how when u become famous in a certain way
like marina abramovic
people start tripping over their tongues around you
a bit awed, intimidated, vulnerable
much wanting is there
aspiring to be like you
thinkin’ about actors and marina
how you may love the acting part or the performance art part
but then there is a lot of other attendant stuff
for actors, the times with physical trainers, the getting made up/done up for the red carpet or PR shoots or interviews
for marina – teaching, writing a book, going on a book tour, talking about her life
i guess for some the whole package works okay.
i didn’t realize there was going to be a book signing tonight
was disappointed i’d left my book, which i’d ordered as soon as it were released; asked if she’d sign my body
she didn’t seem to hear and signed the program, saying “i’ll add love. at least you’ll have something”. i repeated “will you sign my hand?”, thinking maybe she hadn’t heard the first time, but it rang like an over-ask given she’d already signed my program. “no, that is good,” she said. i had a flash of feeling badly for asking for more than she wanted to give. but the line behind me pressed on and i exited quickly. i reminded myself she’d just advised us, among other things, to not be afraid, to do what we want.
also: to follow our intuition.
and: ‘take all that energy you wake up w/on a weekend morning and instead of going out out, spending the energy out, making plans, going to a party, turn off your phone, your computer; sit on the couch. do absolutely nothing for 3 hours. that is a great learning. energy going inwards rather than outwards.’
thinkin’ about motherhood and artistness too
marina was adamant she didn’t want a child (“I had an abortion – the first of three I would have in my life. I never wanted children. This was an absolute for me, for so many reasons.” pp. 52)
she was an artist
i am an artist
i am a mother
i have a child
this child is actually on my lap all over my body right now and i’m feeling guilty ’bout not giving her my full attention when she wants cuddles pre-bed, annoyed her body is all over mine and in my way, so i can’t think/write smoothly, alone, and uninterrupted. there’s both: desire to attend to her, and the need to crank out thoughts now as part of processing tonight.
it is a constant push-pull
i can be at peace w/this
not expend energy on the resistance and annoyance