notes from that liminal space btw. sleep & waking this morning:
had a dream:
sarah (performance/installation/mixed media artist friend) wrote me an email:
you have your work cut out for you
b/c you are private
i want to see more posts that are true, authentic, in the moment.
sometimes i am attracted to something
and i won’t know til years later what it is about that thing that was attracting me.
always, though, it is b/c there is inner evolution desiring to happen.
noticing: the 1st thing i do after winter ties me is explore how it feels, explore what i can do within that constraint
i am thinking of constraint & freedom
theme in my life
i feel constrained by life circumstance
by appropriateness & privacy
by my parents/family/extended family/culture
by whatever life situation i am in: being the primary homeschooling SAHP
even when i am aware that life situation is chosen
and _in_ that circumstance is freedom:
i have freedom to choose not to work for money, to do art, to be with our child, to not opt to send her to the public school system.
i’ve written before: there is no freedom without constraint
freedom does not exist in a vacuum
it is an inner state that exists WITH and within constraint
in art: limitations inspire creativity
there is no art, no life, without ‘limitations’ or ‘constraint’, whether in time, money, health, resources, or other ‘binds’.
it feels right that i find myself interested, at 45, in learning to tie.
for 20 years i have been on the receiving end of rope
at mid-life, yes, it feels right to pick up that rope, that material, and to wrap and tie it around another being. and around myself.
it is a next thing.
everything evolves, everything shifts.
in my hormonal cycle
everything is in cycles
sometimes the cycle is a very loooong one
so we might miss that it is a cycle
but it is
a rainbow is a full circle if light hits droplets all around
one cycle is simply birth, death, turning back to dirt, nourishing new life.
this past year i’ve learned how to operate on FB
i know the light, fluffy stuff that gets a lot of likes
entertaining, zany, sometimes personal.
i have posted things that have garnered more likes
i have learnt boundaries on FB
i have certain boundaries for my primary profile
and i have certain boundaries – that are broader – for AK’s Unfettered Blab Lab.
what is clear: interacting on FB is not as nourishing or satisfying as interacting in person. it doesn’t, as easily, feel like spirit connection.
in tribal societies, and throughout human history, our circles have been smaller, comprised of who we actually saw and passed by and lived and worked with in person.
now, we have a digital world where we can connect with anyone we met for a few minutes, and people we never met in person.
we humans weren’t designed for this sort of relating
the need to scan SO much information
to participate by clicking “like” or an emoticon to share your response.
every time i post, i am aware i am adding to that over-input of information for others, exposing them to things they might not need to have in their psyche.
it begs the question of responsibility.
what is worth saying?
what do i want to put in the ether, and thus in the world, in people’s psyches?
i think for now, having the 2 separate spaces to speak feels good to me, my primary profile, and the more limited AK’s Unfettered Blab Lab.
i wonder, though, if i would get more nourishing, satisfying connection on FB if i started being more transparent on my main profile page.
i haven’t done that because,
as of now, that feels like dissipating,
like leaking my energy all over the place
into people seeing things nonconsensually
that they don’t need to see and didn’t sign up for.
BUT, maybe those people could just delete me from their feed
so those who stay listening are the ones who resonate with me.
i don’t want to nix FB b/c it has been of value to me.
i have found out about opportunities
gotten to know people i would not otherwise have gotten to know.
for now, there is enough value in relating in this domain
that we humans weren’t quite designed to relate in
so i will keep dancing the dance of how to do it in the most nourishing way.
winter wants to do more connective tying
i know this is important to her and one of the things she loves about shibari.
i told her the other night: i find it hard to imagine letting myself go in her rope
in a way she might find satisfying.
i know she has lived an ecclectic life.
but she is 26; i am 45; and i am simply aware of that.
each relationship is its own thing though
and i am all for powerful connection between any two beings.
i can’t know what that will look like between us.
i am open.