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the threads between us

Gratitude.

At 44, what keeps coming up is:
This clarity and happiness with what I have
with the balance of things that is my life
with things exactly as they are.

I have a ‘wound’
that affects my relationship with my husband and our small family unit
that affects how I be in the world.
There is a side of me that feels prior-ly powerless,
that lives as if I don’t have power in my life, in my choices;
that puts blinders on to the fact I actually am
Infinitely free and powerful.

Despite knowing I am (and we each are) priceless
it attributes self-value to the energy the world gives back to me
in the form of a paycheck.

Two nights ago, from 3-4am, Ari and I had a hard, reconnecting conversation
that touched upon this
upon the contribution to our
marriage and family
that healing this would be.

I realized,
it actually isn’t necessarily money
because I know the need for that would go away if I were ‘seen’, ‘witnessed’, recognized
for my gifts
for what I offer
in the world.

I realized
I’ve actually already won awards, been recognized.

I realized
the ‘wound’ is actually about ‘being known’.
It is a hunger for ‘being seen’, for ‘seeing’,
for love.

And I _am_ loved.
I Love.

An incredible opportunity
to do _exactly_ what I’ve been desiring to do
_with_ and _for_ people
came into my life this past week.

The first day I wanted to laugh and cry and scream from the rooftops!

The next day fear rose.

I reached out to a dear friend
who is a successful, professional performance artist
and we shared a great conversation yesterday.

During it
I re-knew
crystal-clear
this life she has
this level of renown
that I sometimes imagine I desire
is not actually something I covet.
“The grass is not greener”.

Her FB “friends” is at its limit of 5000; her artist page is at 14183 likes.
Mine are at 453 and 45.

And this is perfect.

I have so much.

I am _so_ perfectly happy with
my life
this incredible opportunity
the handful of people I love and touch
and who love and touch me.

This
exactly as is
is exquisite.

Thank you.

IMG_8510tugowarkayakersoff the ground!

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