yesterday, i dropped Anja off at Weaving Earth for the 1st time in weeks (due to winter break)
there were all these ‘shoulds’ in my system. i felt, after all these weeks, that i ‘should’ be greeting each of the staff members and the parents in a certain way. that certain way was something perhaps particular to american/californian culture? a big open-hearted excited hug?
this did not feel right to me at all, so, instead, i said, ‘it’s good to see you again’, then judged that for being distanced, and judged myself for being heart-constricted.
i left, feeling into that ‘heart-constriction’, the sadness of being ‘heart-constricted’, and cried in the car.
that question arose: is Love available even here?
and, yes, it was.
i felt great tenderness and appreciation for myself, this sweet, shining heart, which desires connection and intimacy, that would even notice ‘heart-constriction’ and feel sadness at its perceived presence.
i saw that the awkwardness began with the ‘shoulds’ – that the re-meeting ‘should’ look a certain way.
there is no ‘should’.
when i give myself permission to be exactly as i am, them to be exactly as they are, and the meeting to be exactly as it is, in the moment
then everything is perfect
no efforting is needed
and i can actually FEEL what true appreciation and love there is for each of the staff and the parents.
in certain guru-student relationships
and with my extended family
it is not necessarily all huggy-dovey
yet love is certainly there.
and when there is huggy-doviness
the hugs may or may not be embodied or energetically there.
there is no need for a hug when it isn’t naturally arising
how dear, the hug Melodie gave Anja. ‘hey, Anja, come over here; something very important has to happen.’ and Anja went over, and Melodie gave her the warmest, sweetest, true hug. and Anja glowed all over.
and so did I
a hug extends 🙂
the ‘shoulds’ are the constriction
(e.g. a facilitator of Authentic Movement ‘should’ be this or that way)
the heart is always there, available, shining.
to relax, to give myself permission to NOT have to be any particular way
creates the spaciousness
to actually be intimate
(the above photo is a gorgeous moment that happened on 1/6. the sun, trees, children engaged don’t expend energy wondering if they ‘should’ be one way or another. they simply are as they are. and, it is totally okay to expend energy on that; we all grow up in this society, where many ‘shoulds’ are put upon us as we move through the world, so it’s no wonder there are moments when we notice and release them.)