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it used to be that jealousy would rear its head
& i appreciated jealousy
it pointed the way to what i was drawn to
where i wanted to be heading
what i wanted to do that i wasn’t yet doing.

something has shifted
fundamentally
i can’t remember the last time i was jealous
i no longer aspire to the things i used to aspire to
i am contented.
mostly.

what is there:
a niggling sense
that has nothing to do with anyone else
and what they are accomplishing –
a niggling hunger
as yet unsated
around realizing myself.

i don’t know what realizing myself looks like
perhaps no one ever can?
i think it actually goes hand-in-hand with parenthood, motherhood, anja.

becoming a mother has fundamentally shifted me
it really has been the most d*mn hard thing i have ever done
& also
among the most meaningful
enjoyable
intimate.

i am 43.
on the verge of 44.
what to do w/the remainder of my life?

another child?
could i/we handle/withstand that?
or, more to the point: is there a child spirit asking to be born through me/us?
i am listening.

it would mean
life wouldn’t be ‘open’ like it is becoming open right now
with anja nearly 6
for another 6 years.

it’d mean
everything changing
irretrievably
again.
it might mean
being 50 (!)
before enough time opens up again
to dive significantly into ‘my passions’
but what the h*ll are those anyways?

on FB
i look @ all my ex-LA & filmschool friends
some working in the industry
some making award-winning films
or films making the rounds of theaters.
i look @ my siblings
graduate-Ivy-league educated
‘successful’, career-wise.
i look @ the radical ones, the artists
i look @ all the lives
and realize i _don’t_ hanker for them
that the grass is not greener.

what _do_ i hanker for?
i look around & realize i appreciate my life. our life.
i see how happiness and satisfaction, in general, is ‘prior’ to the content of a life.
this is obvious all around me.
i look around and – wow – realize there is nothing much i hanker for
there is just desiring to
sink into
this life i am in
working with it.

yes, there are things i am attracted to:
countryside, nature.
people, relationships.
adventuring – exploring – meeting interesting people.
space for myself to experiment-express,
solo & with others.
being surrounded by beauty
tending to, creating, seeing beauty.

& _none_ of these require another life
they require only this one
that i’ve been gifted
that i am
luckily
gratefully
smack in the middle of.

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