from the land?
from, even, the ones i am closest to?
and those that gave me birth and raised me?
this intimacy with loneliness
helps me with
like as a witness in Authentic Movement.
i feel a great need to turn in
to have solitude.
i drop Anja off
and notice how my eyes
are closed off
but barely even want to
to the staff
or other parents.
is it because
doesn’t feel there
in that moment?
but what would that even look like?
what would i desire?
drop-off and pick-up are so rapid
maybe 15 min. each.
we can stay and chat a bit with other parents
but our interaction with the staff usually fits within that window
in both cases
and particularly on drop-off
i am very anja-focused
making sure her connection needs are met
making sure the transition is good for her.
especially if we arrive right at 5 which is often the case
i’m very aware the staff have had a long, full day
and await our departure to have their meeting
to complete their day
so i often focus on whisking her off
as quickly as possible
in support of that
which doesn’t facilitate
i’m suddenly realizing:
connection doesn’t look like verbal sociailizing.
that is a rather American notion.
it can simply be crossings
within our daily rhythm.
that is good
and a thread i feel
the children each come with their own specific nature.
this is very clear.
from the get go
they come just so.
anja is incredibly social
she may claim at times to be too “shy” to ask someone for something
but mostly she loves people
loves engaging with them
loves people’s positive reception.
the hand-in-hand of her big happy people side
is her big intense melt down side.
at the acorn harvest & celebration
i led our whisking her off at 7:30
because i knew
the shoe was going to fall.
there was the crackling campfire
the smiles, welcome, open-ness of everyone around
the musician strumming guitar behind the string of blue lights –
and at risk of being
crashed through (!)
by the BIG screaming kicking crying screeching
of a 5 year old
whose remaining resources
for handling things
v e r y
i suppose there is a shade of loneliness there:
how is it intimacy
or a community of mine
if i feel a need to hide
a side of anja/us
from coming out?
i wanted others to enjoy that vibe
i didn’t have the desire to handle the blow-up
so avoided it
that any ‘need to hide’ or desire to show a particular face
and that dance
is part of the dance
i lean towards introvert.
it takes all my energy
just to be in group or stimulating settings
i enjoy people
i have often felt “other” “different from”
the ones sweeping all around me
or at least
from the self-presentation of the ones
sweeping all around me.
there is a loneliness there.
that is not so much ‘my’ nature
as it is
the illusion that we are “separate”
and the yearning to be One with All.
i wrote the above from 1-4am last night
and this morning something totally else is here:
there’s this heartbreaking tenderness
exactly how she is.
there is nothing wrong.
with that sweetness with self:
the clarity of all these tendrils of connection
betwixt me, everyone, everything.
glittering fish leaping