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great loneliness
from the land?
from others?
from, even, the ones i am closest to?
and those that gave me birth and raised me?

i suppose
this intimacy with loneliness
is what
too
helps me with
being with
understanding
others’ loneliness
like as a witness in Authentic Movement.

sometimes
like yesterday
i feel a great need to turn in
to have solitude.

i drop Anja off
and notice how my eyes
energy
are closed off
unavailable.

i do
but barely even want to
say hi
to the staff
or other parents.

is it because
true connection
doesn’t feel there
in that moment?

but what would that even look like?

what would i desire?

at WE
drop-off and pick-up are so rapid
maybe 15 min. each.

yes,
we can stay and chat a bit with other parents
but our interaction with the staff usually fits within that window
and context.

in both cases
and particularly on drop-off
i am very anja-focused
making sure her connection needs are met
making sure the transition is good for her.

on pick-up
especially if we arrive right at 5 which is often the case
i’m very aware the staff have had a long, full day
and await our departure to have their meeting
to complete their day
so i often focus on whisking her off
as quickly as possible
in support of that
which doesn’t facilitate
verbal socializing.

i’m suddenly realizing:
connection doesn’t look like verbal sociailizing.
that is a rather American notion.
it can simply be crossings
passings
leaning-on-each-other
offering
receiving
within our daily rhythm.
that is good
true
and a thread i feel
with many.

nature:

the children each come with their own specific nature.

this is very clear.
from the get go
they come just so.

anja is incredibly social
she may claim at times to be too “shy” to ask someone for something
but mostly she loves people
loves engaging with them
loves people’s positive reception.

she charms.

the hand-in-hand of her big happy people side
is her big intense melt down side.

last night
at the acorn harvest & celebration
i led our whisking her off at 7:30
because i knew
any second
the shoe was going to fall.

there was the crackling campfire
the smiles, welcome, open-ness of everyone around
the musician strumming guitar behind the string of blue lights –
peaceable
relaxed
and at risk of being
crashed through (!)
shifted completely
by the BIG screaming kicking crying screeching
of a 5 year old
whose remaining resources
for handling things
with equanimity
was
v e r y
slim.

i suppose there is a shade of loneliness there:

how is it intimacy
or a community of mine
if i feel a need to hide
to prevent
a side of anja/us
from coming out?

or maybe:
just stop:
it’s simple:
i wanted others to enjoy that vibe
i didn’t have the desire to handle the blow-up
so avoided it
with finesse.
i own
that any ‘need to hide’ or desire to show a particular face
is mine,
and that dance
is part of the dance
of connection.

my nature:
i lean towards introvert.
it takes all my energy
just to be in group or stimulating settings
oftentimes.

i enjoy people
and
refuel
alone.

too
somewhere inside
i have often felt “other” “different from”
the ones sweeping all around me
or at least
from the self-presentation of the ones
sweeping all around me.

there is a loneliness there.

but perhaps
that is not so much ‘my’ nature
as it is
simply
‘human nature’:
the illusion that we are “separate”
and the yearning to be One with All.

——

i wrote the above from 1-4am last night
and this morning something totally else is here:

there’s this heartbreaking tenderness
for myself
my nature
this girl/woman
exactly how she is.
there is nothing wrong.
and, wow,
with that sweetness with self:
the clarity of all these tendrils of connection
betwixt me, everyone, everything.
glittering fish leaping
swim-weaving
all around.

thank you.

love,
a.

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