my mom called today, in response to the mass-email update i sent out to friends and family a few days ago.

she started with: Anja’s pictures and video were great.

then she dove into what she’d really called for: “you were naked in a photo. you sent that to people?”

she expressed deep discomfort.

i thanked her for sharing how she felt. “i understand that’s how you feel. i don’t even know which image you are talking about; there are so many.”

“take them all down. it’s not the Chinese way.”

“they’re art, expression.”

“then do other people naked.”

“i won’t be taking them down.”

the conversation began to repeat. i eventually hung up.

at 43 i’m not going to withhold/constrain my expressions on behalf of my parents, family, as much as i love them.

it used to pain me more.

it used to feel like a choice between honoring my family or honoring/being true to myself.

much of what i have been drawn to has been things that would, in my parents’ conception, “bring shame” upon our family.

i am done with residing in that pain.

today, i hope she is able to get to a place of not spending many nights sleepless with worry over it.

and i will keep myself a clear conduit for what wants to come through.

hubby said: at least you are doing your sister a favor. now your mom can lay awake sleepless worrying about you too and not just her [process of finding-a-spouse-&-having-a-baby].

i was gliding under their radar so smoothly for 6 years as i played the blessed and acceptable role of mother.

ah well.

that ended.


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