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“SAHP” (stay at home parent)
“SAHM” (stay at home mom)

“what do you do with your days?”

it is a simple question
one a friend asked me
last night
with sincerity
and i felt
that rise of complicated
emotion
rear
its
head.

the work i do
24-7
(in between carving out time
for my other work)
is
handle things
caregive
manage a household
pick up after EVERYone.
move the laundry and dishes through
wipe the endless array of crumbs, dead flies, spills, game pieces, white-out off the floor.

somewhere in there
for many hours
there is:
bringing everything i have
to the table,
putting consciousness in,
practicing
being present
being presence
being connected
ENJOYing
not resisting embracing
the job
the moment.

the truth is
some moments
i am just handling her
completely non-rational challenging(-to-me) states
struggling with
being the adult in the situation
with maintaining
clarity
perspective
when all i want to do is
hit
scream
cry
STOP her.
i fantasize about injecting her with something
such that she will
magically
immediately
zzz
that i may
have
reprieve.

that is
the sometime
truth
of
motherhood.

yesterday,
at Grandma A’s assisted living
one of the caregivers says to me:
“if you have time,
you should come
every day
to walk with her.”

i want to scream
NO
i DON’T have time
that is NOT possible.
i crack down on myself
feel crazy
terrible
like a terrible human being.
i imagine he sees me as
a SAHP
‘not working’
with just one kid
who should therefore
(unless i am unloving)
have
swaths
of time
to do
exactly
that.

i face that
yes
it could be
possible
and NO
i won’t
make it
possible.

i want to weep
b/c
my dad wrote me:
“Be filial. 要孝順.
Be filial to Ari’s Mom is a way to love Ari.”

i am up against
the ‘truth’/self-judgment that i am
not
that self-sacrificing
not
that caring
not
that ‘good’
of a
human being
daughter-in-law
wife.

i let myself be swept into
upset
faltering.

the truth is
i am
a
dear and incredible
wife
mother
daughter-in-law
daughter
and also
hand-in-hand with that
am pulled by other things
which i desire to
manifest
realize
honor
here
in this world
in this lifetime.

i balance
optimize
by desire
which naturally
moves towards
the greatest good.

i am the one to
acknowledge and move on from
these voices that
crash down
calling me ‘terrible’
for ever-falling-short-of
some imaginary ideal.

i am the one
to know the value
of what i do
what Spirit draws me to
irrespective of how much cash
may or may not be brought in
by such things,
or how much society
may or may not
honor
such things.

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