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i thought i was recording for the full 45 min.

instead, i captured 3 minutes, then turned it off and forgot to turn it back on.

and am actually disappointed.

was hoping to actually see what i did.

 

i am insane.

i filmed myself nude.

moving, burping.

unwinding.

i filmed myself cumming

a few times

not in any way i’ve ever seen

on the internet

in porn.

just totally ordinary

with weird, human gestures.

i put my clothes on.

i sat in padmasana.

i looked at that little black spot on the iPhone.

the camera.

i wondered who was on the other side of its gaze.

i closed my eyes in meditation

tuned in through that black spot

with my third eye.

 

why in the world

do i think

the filming of this

this whatever i am doing

would have to do

with what i am here for?

 

it is certifiably

insane.

how in h*ll

does this relate

in any way

with ‘a living’?

your weird is your wealth, says HB.

‘does being of service/helping others in your role of spirit-led performance feel aligned?’ asks PZ.

 

is this performance or non-performance?

i am certainly aware of the camera

carefully point my cunt and face

away from it.

but the lean

is towards non-performance

non-artifice.

 

my thought is

this would somehow be of service/help to others

not b/c that is its intention

but simply b/c that is its inevitable consequence.

 

but i am operating in TOTAL weird land.

what i am doing would be inconceivable

for my parents

family.

‘shameful’.

how can i possibly share this?

it feels

impossible

to say the least.

impossible

absurd

insane

WAY outside any comfort zone.

 

ironically,

of course,

i did all that

and did not record it.

ha, ha.

so

i get to

realize my

disappointment

and

try again

another day.

 

i won’t question why i do what i do.

i will keep doing it.

each time i learn,

fine tune.

like

i am nude when i want to be

i am clothed when i want to be

i open my eyes and gaze when i want to gaze

(e.g. this is no longer Authentic Movement, with closed eyes).

 

what is the gift

of revealing

what nobody

reveals

but which is right there

for each of us?

 

 

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