some thoughts on posting that video the other day.
secret: i posted and deleted that thing 4x before i finally left it up, ‘cuz when i start noticing myself doing craziness like that, i know something is up.
what was up:
fear of people thinking i am showing off.
fear/shame that people who think ‘real’ yogi/nis don’t post ‘party poses’ will judge me.
fear/shame that people who do this ‘better’ than i – more beautifully, deeply – will judge me.
not wanting people who can’t do this comparing themselves and feeling self-critical or jealous.
pride that i can do this. shame that i feel pride because that is non-yogic ;0)
excitement and happiness that i finally have documentation of this practice that is such a HUGE part of my life.
(are you laughing in self-recognition yet?)
no matter who i am, where i’m at, there will be people of all sorts thinking all sorts of thoughts from their background and perspective and monkeymind and clearmind.
in this case there was everything from ‘crazy!’ or ‘beautiful’ to [i won’t acknowledge i secretly viewed this b/c i judge it as x].
incredible how much the simple act of posting a video can bring up for me.
TOO, though, there is the awareness that i am doing the above.
there is the awareness that THIS is what is behind my complications/blockages regarding SPEAKing, showing up, being freely self-expressed, on FB and everywhere in life.
THIS is why i erase myself and hide.
it is ‘safer’ to hide, ‘easier’ to not reveal this pandora’s box.
i have total, tender, compassion that i do all of the above.
i have total okay-ness with exactly who i am in every moment.
i have deep gratitude that i have this incredible practice
that i have health
that i have access to a camera and computer & FB & the internet so i can document and share this video and this blog.
exactly as i am.
exactly as you are.
we ~ in our every aspect, in our darkness and light, in our deepest vulnerabilities ~ are breathtakingly, incontrovertibly beautiful.