yesterday’s full moon marked “Guru Purnima”, an Indian festival dedicated to spiritual and academic teachers.
this morning after practice, JS (teacher) spoke about Sri K Pattabhi Jois, about how, ultimately, despite all the asanas, the practice is a cleansing, a purification of the heart. in JS’s experience, Guruji, and others he admires, like his pal Tim Miller, are big open hearts.
it was the perfect tidbit to hear this morning.
over a year ago, i shared about an opportunity that had come up in my life with a friend, the mother of anja’s first “best friend”. it was an unconventional opportunity.
she fell silent.
“this is really outside your world, huh?” i asked.
she ceased seeing us, and we ended up having a conversation a bit later where it was clarified that she didn’t want her kids to be around ‘that’. if/when i should choose not to do it, we could open the door again.
every time anja mentioned this friend, for over a year, i was able to sidetrack her.
then, the other day, she suddenly thought of this dear old friend again when she created something she wanted to give her. she wanted to hang out with this friend. “i can’t remember what her face or any part of her looks like.” i helped her call so she could leave a message.
i followed up with a text: “i am not doing the gig i was considering way back when.”
we are going over Friday, for the first time in over a year, and i am sitting with what this brings up within me.
in some ways, i had burnt that bridge in my heart. i had told myself: it’s all right. it wasn’t meant to be. i want friends with whom i can be, and express, my full self.
there was mourning, and then i shut it off in my psyche.
when anja wanted to reach out, though, i realized i was NOT going to limit her open hearted friendships due to my incompletions. but what does facilitating her friendship mean? when i go over, am i going to do so in a withholding, distanced way, having pre-decided she can’t be a close friend?
what JS shared this morning was a gift.
i saw the burnt bridges in my life, and how they only lead to a smaller world for me, and everyone.
to love someone, ANYone, is to love them exactly as they are, where they are at.
people do not need to change. my father, this woman, _i_ do not need to change.
this is on my altar today.