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out of great misery comes action

becoming clear:
– i don’t know what i’m offering
– i don’t know who my audience is
– i’m hitting ‘all the wrong notes’ or a ‘wall’ w/’marketing’ as a result

(b/c i can’t ‘market’ when i don’t yet know what that offering is, who i’m speaking to, what they need/want. & i am not in a ‘seat’ of quiet confident clarity.)

‘marketing’ is connection.

this period:
windows of incredible stuckedness and blackness
windows of MOVEMENT – the finding of answers as i seek, from out of the misery.

each little thing a contribution. HB. CV. RK.

i know i need some sort of spiritual business coach/conscious entrepreneur coach.

i know the person needs to be embodied, clear, not overly woo-woo. i am clarifying what the vision/offering is, and how to create it in the world as a sustainable, vibrant, growing thing.

at my last minute request, Ari took Anja & her friend to the fair yesterday, affording me about 8 hours of Much Needed “Do Nothing” recovery and rejuvenation time.

i recognized i was incredibly irritable, upset, snappy – basically a misery to live with.

i surfed coaches.

i cleared a version of ‘the Pod’, filmed an hour of myself.

i ended up filming myself masturbating for the first time. naked. except for my toesox.

& talking to camera.

with hardly any eye contact.

just thinking aloud.

doodling in the space i’d created for myself.

i did the process of privately watching this hour of video.

useful.

i was open to the possibility of editing something out of it.

maybe i’ll include a brief blip of something useful.

mostly, though, i nearly fell asleep watching myself.

i got SICK of seeing myself closed in & off, depressive. burping burping burping.

that energy of speaking, breathing, stopped up and held inside me, working its way through.

i desired to see my vibrancy and light!

this space is helpful.

it is okay if noone reads it. noone needs to or “should”. if just Ari and a few curious people check it here and there, that is fine.

something completely new is emerging.

there is ENORMOUSness coming and i don’t know ‘how to get there’ but i am getting there.

i am excited to have bumped into the 1st spiritual entrepreneur coach whose words are resonating with me ~  Paul Zelizer .  not sure he is ‘the one’ but what i’ve read so far is contributing to me.

Grateful.

Spent some time in that video yesterday speaking gratitude too.

Sometimes when I am in ‘black mode’ every cell is in complaint and gratitude feels very far away.

Then, when it comes down to it, when I start naming, it is ridiculous how graced my life is, how incredibly grateful i am.

the ‘business’ path as totally in alignment with the ‘spiritual’ path. to be in integrity across all media and in all manifestations.

Yes!

 

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