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what is it to be a woman?

i know there is no essentialism

but when i am the one mostly holding down the role of SAHparent

& there are needs everywhere

to be a woman

somewhere in my psyche

is to flow into serving everyone’s needs all around

flow & flow into.

til my stomach is sour and hurts

and i am resourcing whatever i can resource

to stay in balance

(barely)

it is

to live this push pull

btw. your child’s needs

elder’s needs

life’s needs

the laundry, the dishes

the house.

we are in a transitory period

i am aware it is transitory

i am OK with it

but for a brief window

which i can handle

most of my time is wiped out

wiped out

excised

erased

eclipsed

i am spread thin

thin

i am strong

and i can handle this

but

this image of a huge painting is there;

this strong urge to MOVE

in private

in a soundproof space

(with a witness would be nice)

is there.

held off for now.

but insistent

bubbling

rising and falling like an energycreature beneath a huge sheet of latex.

 

yesterday

in the guided meditation

i am lugging

this f*cking huge clear red gem around

there is nothing else

nothing

nothing

no answers

nothing showing up

blank

blank

blank

 

there is a circle of women

around a bonfire

i am back 20′

separate

 

i am worn down

i am flexible

i am ok with being temporarily worn down

and

i am worn down.

 

xo,

a.

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