what is there to say about anything?
what would be a contribution to anybody at all?

there is SO much out there
in every realm.
cool, inspiring art
totally explicit enactments of every sort of sex/bdsm/fetish

what is missing with the bdsm stuff?

i am SO turned off by all the stuff on kink dot com. 

yes, there it is –
a few clicks away
the enactment of all sorts of fantasies i’ve had
but it all feels so empty.
what do i want to do in this world in this lifetime?

it was HB’s assignment this week
to come up w/ SOMEthing
a specific offering
to be created NOW
with no additional training
with nothing additional to learn

i feel like i’m unable to come up with a single thing i’d “most want to” offer that i feel ready to offer NOW.  

there is a part of me that is frustrated at this ‘never ready’ness.
i feel lost, ever-stuck, never-actualizing.
and then there is a part that honors and respects where i’m at
b/c i _do_  feel things moving
and know my antennae are out
and much is brewing.
amongst the things brewing:
last night, for the first time in years,
the desire to shoot documentary film again.

female slave

i sketched this the other day.
it’s the female-version of the tattoo SlaveMaster has on all his slaves.
i wanted to see the female-version of the tattoo.

i have no idea if i am “Born Slave” or “Master”

i have 5+ solo hours of “work”/ “lounge” time to myself today. i spent the first 3 hours cleaning house – taking out compost, recycling; scrubbing toilets and sinks; vacuuming and sweeping; cleaning the rat cage; watering the garden; doing laundry; prepping bedding for Grandma Anne who is arriving Wednesday. this all, in fact, was what I most wanted to do with the first hours of my open time.

beneath the activity, an undercurrent: all of those things on SlaveMaster’s list of protocol feel SO far away from this world i’m living in. they feel nearly impossible. i know they are possible, but how do they integrate into all the day-to-day things that need to be taken care of? how do they integrate with the caring and raising of Anja?

i know, if it ever were to happen, they’d integrate flawlessly. or re-vision everything anyways.

nevertheless, in the musings, fear: fear i’d be ‘forced’ to surrender/abandon Anja. fear, even, that i’d ‘have to’ give up all the many little self-care rituals in my life that i realize i’m attached to! flossing after eating; the whole process of managing the psoriasis on the soles of my feet. 

SlaveMaster’s 7 posts this in the BornSlaves yahoo group: “The best Master is not the one who persuades, forces, traps, beats, limits, demands… but is instead the one in whose presence most people find it easiest to arrive at the truth.”

it is beautiful.

i aspire to BE someone in whose presence most people find it easiest to arrive at the truth.

i want to know and be surrounded by people like that. 

 “why fearing?” Sri K Pattabhi Jois is known to say. “no fearing!” JS (my yoga teacher) has said. “you will love it when you are free there” (referring to my back in kapotasana, but relevant in general).


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