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spent a bunch of time last nite surfing- from FB to an inspiring video of 17 year old Tavi Gevinson, to rookiemag.com which she helms, to the many contributers to that mag.

went from inspired and engaged to bleary-eyed & overinundated within two hours.

there are SO many talented, unique people out there, doing their thing, putting their stuff out there. there’s a certain dose of screentime that’s useful to me ~ for inspiration, connection, creative work, a sense of what’s up.

after that, i notice it is easy for me to get sucked into the din of TOO MUCH information that doesn’t feel good. i end up overwhelmed, discouraged, less able to sense what my trueline is.

i got offline last night and felt that push-pull between wanting to stay in the practice of being ‘free’ here, and wanting to be considered (censored?) about what comes out of my ‘mouth’ in a world of SO many vying for airtime.

i spent today in action booking my first life-modeling gig since Anja was born, plus hyperfocused moving towards facilitating Authentic Movement again locally.

there’s fear: that i can get out there, but that there’s no guarantee $/interest/people will be there.

have i not done that whole process before, many times? what happens if i hold a weekly drop-in and no one or hardly anyone comes? what happens if i (or we) hold a workshop and only 2 register and it doesn’t even cover our costs? do i/we cancel the whole thing or go ahead b/c i/we have to start somewhere?

i think it _does_ make some sort of energetic difference, though, to simply OWN that i _want_ to find a way to hook up with energy coming back to me in the form of $. that is a part of the ‘work’ i am here to do.

i have a meeting next week wed. w/an integrated studio here in town. it was somewhat encouraging to have the owner C say today that a friend, Z, who hosts a weekly gathering there that now draws 35 regularly, nearly gave up at one point.  it took her 4-5 years to build it up. of course there is no guarantee about that build up, especially if what i am doing is not popular, is not in a dense enough population, etc.

i don’t care, though. i am DOing today b/c when i got offline last night, all i wanted to do was be in my body, be with people in person. when it comes down to it, at least right now, the neverending nuanced stuff within a practice like Authentic Movement _totally_ fascinates and engages me.

and, unless i’m DOing ~ staying in action keeping what most engages me alive in my life ~ there will be NOTHING to fine-tune, redirect, evolve. there will be NOthing to ‘say’.

 

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