10:02 am, 4/20/14, & for the 1st time since anja was born 12/31/08 i have an entire unplanned day (or a lot of one, anyways) to myself.



i actually haven’t had a single ‘blank’ day in over 5 years?

‘stop negotiating around shit you literally can’t live without,’ HB said the other day. ‘u literally can’t do anything unless you have your lounge time.’

& i know it is true.

& how to get it? 

take my work seriously.

i hadn’t even thought of it as work.

in my psyche: it’s not ‘work’ unless it’s earning $.

i had stopped believing or letting myself envision it were possible to earn $ at something i can uniquely offer.

ari has said – ‘if $ were off the table’ (e.g. we surrendered to him being the primary breadwinner b/c i haven’t had a track record that way)
‘what would u do?’

but, u know what?
it is _totally_ not off the table for me.

suddenly connecting the dots and realizing why i burnt out on film

why i’ve been stopped up w/ ‘work’
is b/c i have not connected up w/ how to get $ to flow to me
$ as reciprocity
energy in return
knowing i am contacting and affecting people

brain slightly taxed.

the reason i have this day off
(ari is taking anja & her best friend R to 6 flags)
is b/c he felt i probably needed a day to heal

probably true.

crazy gift, this head bonk.

i have felt vulnerable
aware how quickly and easily things can change.

my brain has not been back to normal.

all it was was a little konk
from about 2’ off the floor down.
slammed my head.
thought it was nothing at first.
but there is this sense of slight internal pressure.

it is better after i sleep in the morning.

i need to rest regularly. can’t overtax myself. move too fast. be in too loud or energetic a situation, or i can feel the pressure increase. 

brain is bruised i think.
no danger signs.
just a ‘mild concussion’ if that.
but definitely there.

a gift? 

the timing of it.

the fact i have been gifted w/this 1st day off in forever b/c of it
and i feel completely released from yoga today
other than perhaps a very gentle, exploratory self-practice.

there’s also a slight sense of ‘altered state’-ness.

i noticed i had some better connections and conversations w/people friday night b/c i had to stay relaxed; had none of my usual energy to put on a face.


feel i need to ‘grab’ and be efficient w/this time.

know, though,
that ‘doing nothing’

(pic from HB the other day)
is, ultimately,
the only way to go.

‘look at what you’ve been training for. write all things down.’  

my word!

all these things from my past that i had practically literally forgotten that i had done.

and only so recently.

what a crazy and utter shift becoming a mother has been. 

where is this girl? 


i asked
in my FJ the other day.
this super happy vibrant girl?

she is a woman now.

she feels more aged.


also stopped up.

butchmann’s academy

modeling for bondage workshops at bondcon w/ropemaster i was dating.


those rituals in T’s sanctum. 

being tied up w/rope all over
magical red weaving all over my body
by that gay man

kitty cat
from swinging platform
hung by chains from the ceiling
in T’s sanctum/‘dungeon’
w/the others.

the trip to AZ.

the trip to Maui, Molokai.

following totally ‘nonsensical’ intuitive ‘hits from the universe’.   


i have been doing that.

some glimmer about all these things connecting
the unique sort of experience
i could potentially offer.
or pull people together for?

the physical practices of bdsm for spiritual growth
authentic movement
intuitive art

look at ‘happy birthday’
‘straight white men and me’
the parts that never became part of ‘pup’
(following bondage model emilymarilyn, going to insex dot com, shooting myself)
the gig w/J
the ‘naked’ project, ‘penis stories’
what the hell was all that?

all totally disparate
and totally connected

one clear path

glimmer of:
actually bringing in $
so ari can do more of his music
so both of us – all of us, including anja – can pursue our passions free of boxes
so childcare becomes a nonissue
so anja can thrive and her mother can too

she is so social
she will flourish _not_ with me all the time
esp. if i am totally suppressing myself

glimmer of
‘coming into my own’

present forward
what do people need/want
in this world of social media
in this world of disconnect.

experiences that take us out of our heads
into Consciousness
to our edges
to the Knowings there

like vision quests
but w/something to do w/the sensation play, surrender, etc. from bdsm
the attending to inner impulse from authentic movement

‘healing is for babies’
‘people may describe your work as healing’ but that is b/c they may experience it that way from participation


‘healing’ is not what i am going for

‘fixing’ ‘improving’
all of that

total reconstitution
total shake up
of cellular energetic structure

gonna go for some sort of walk.




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