H invited me to stop editing
i can’t stop editing
b/c anytime i hang w/anyone in polite company
anyone in the functional world
if i teach kids yoga
if i interview a teen sitter
if i am even wife to ari, in the professional world
and i am google-able
then people will know
things they are not supposed to know
and it will be too much
and i will not feel right
when i meet them
especially if they misread me
or don’t realize how in-the-moment i am
like my mom calling me all distraught
she could not sleep the whole f*cking night before
b/c of something she read in a previous blog of mine
[i am SO frustrated that wordpress puts a new paragraph when i press enter
to get just a line break i have to press shift – enter
and i am picky about how my text turns out
even though it looks casual
took me forever to correct the line breaks & paragraphs in the previous entry
and now i can’t be bothered b/c it ruins my flow to try to type in new way.
J is having emotions about my dropping tues. playdate
am i a fairweather friend?
i am a can’t-be-trapped friend.
i know when i do and don’t want to hang
and when a structure is not working for me.
i need more mobility and freedom to navigate
it is b/c i care about the relationship
that i am shifting things.
chocolate almond cookies
tons of maple syrup
tons of avocado oil
a practice in blabbing
a practice in non-editing
a practice in letting the laundry out to dry
‘don’t bring shame on the family’.
nothing could be worse.
how i wanted to be the correct daughter
shining by their script
i will put my daughter on media
audiobook now, in the bath,
so i can have time
so i can do this
instead of be w/her
though i do give her quality time
but i am not M
who seems to have found a life calling of sorts
i love anja.
may she never doubt that
if she should ever come upon these words down the line.
i love her with ferocity.
ari and i would both save her over each other
chocolate almond cookies.
today in yoga i bonked my head
lost my balance in dwi pada sirsasana
fell forward and crashed my forehead onto the concrete floor.
my brain feels swollen inside my skull
‘you have to start getting into these yourself or they will never come. you can do it.” JS said.
am i up against the rigidity of my head?
they are improving
but it is not possible for me (as yet) to get into these postures on my own?
is it actually true that i could possibly get into them?
i am put into them whenever i go to practice
it is a lot of work for the adjuster
i have glimpses now of being able to stay in them
for a bit
on my own
once i’m put in
but i am basically convinced
i have been given a ton of postures i simply ‘can’t’ do on my own.
(am i wrong?)
(anja calling “mommy!” in btw. sentences of her audiobook; ready to get out of the bath)
my brain feels swollen today
“you seem nice” ari says
“different than usual.”
no vitriol today
no activating of emotions
or thinking too hard
or it feels like my brain expands and there’s more pressure inside.
(interruption: got her out of bath)
perhaps today u get a somewhat less edited version of me
‘cuz i haven’t the oomph to (“I’m hungry!”)
put on much of a face.
feeling depress-y today.
1-on-1 w/H was good
but now what?
tomorrow is ‘fearless friday’
‘nothing’ to post.
kinda want to post something now.
(fixed her a meal)
noone will respect me
or ever turn to me in any professional context
if i blab like this.
b/c to be ‘professional’
is to be not confessional
to be hidden
to put on a face.
facebook kills me
totally drains me
my edit re-edit navigating-self-presentation aspect
goes crazy there.
and it’s TMI
i want to know people in person
i want to know relevant info about the people i actually like to hang out w/in the flesh
i don’t want to expend huge swaths of energy on ‘friendships’, ‘relationships’ that don’t go beyond the ‘net.
on appearing to be well-liked
on appearing to be whatever. x y z.
the truth is
i barely have time for the few intimates i have.
god/dess knows i don’t need to be siphoning energy off into 500 ‘friends’.
it would be incredible to have some sort of nonjudgmental ‘fan’
someone who believes in me
someone who ‘gets’ me.
it would be incredible to know this all is going somewhere incredible.
antonia: you are incredible.
you are a powerful, incredible person. your nakedness. your intelligence. insights.
they offer me comfort, laughter, solace.
i read every word of your ‘blab blab blab’.
your best fan