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H invited me to stop editing

i can’t stop editing

b/c anytime i hang w/anyone in polite company

anyone in the functional world

if i teach kids yoga

if i interview a teen sitter

if i am even wife to ari, in the professional world

and i am google-able

then people will know

things they are not supposed to know

and it will be too much

and i will not feel right

when i meet them

especially if they misread me

or don’t realize how in-the-moment i am

like my mom calling me all distraught

she could not sleep the whole f*cking night before

b/c of something she read in a previous blog of mine

[i am SO frustrated that wordpress puts a new paragraph when i press enter

to get just a line break i have to press shift – enter

totally unnatural

and i am picky about how my text turns out

even though it looks casual

took me forever to correct the line breaks & paragraphs in the previous entry

and now i can’t be bothered b/c it ruins my flow to try to type in new way.

fuck.]

 

J is having emotions about my dropping tues. playdate

am i a fairweather friend?

no

i am a can’t-be-trapped friend.

i know when i do and don’t want to hang

and when a structure is not working for me.

i need more mobility and freedom to navigate

it is b/c i care about the relationship

that i am shifting things.

chocolate almond cookies

tons of maple syrup

tons of avocado oil

blabblabblab

a practice in blabbing

a practice in non-editing

a practice in letting the laundry out to dry

inconceivable

‘don’t bring shame on the family’.

nothing could be worse.

how i wanted to be the correct daughter

good

shining by their script

which

painfully

never

fit.

 

i will put my daughter on media

audiobook now, in the bath,

iPad;

or w/friends

anything

so i can have time

so i can do this

instead of be w/her

though i do give her quality time

but i am not M

who seems to have found a life calling of sorts

in motherhood.

i love anja.

may she never doubt that

if she should ever come upon these words down the line.

i love her with ferocity.

ari and i would both save her over each other

hands down.

 

chocolate almond cookies.

 

today in yoga i bonked my head

lost my balance in dwi pada sirsasana

fell forward and crashed my forehead onto the concrete floor.

my brain feels swollen inside my skull

‘you have to start getting into these yourself or they will never come. you can do it.” JS said.

am i up against the rigidity of my head?

that says:

they are improving

slowly

but it is not possible for me (as yet) to get into these postures on my own?

is it actually true that i could possibly get into them?

i am put into them whenever i go to practice

it is a lot of work for the adjuster

i have glimpses now of being able to stay in them

even comfortably

for a bit

on my own

once i’m put in

but i am basically convinced

i have been given a ton of postures i simply ‘can’t’ do on my own.

(am i wrong?)

 

(anja calling “mommy!” in btw. sentences of her audiobook; ready to get out of the bath)

 

anyhow

my brain feels swollen today

 

“you seem nice” ari says

“different than usual.”

yessirree.

no vitriol today

no activating of emotions

or thinking too hard

or it feels like my brain expands and there’s more pressure inside.

(interruption: got her out of bath)

so

perhaps today u get a somewhat less edited version of me

‘cuz i haven’t the oomph to (“I’m hungry!”)

put on much of a face.

 

feeling depress-y today.

1-on-1 w/H was good

but now what?

feel image-less

word-less

tomorrow is ‘fearless friday’

‘nothing’ to post.

kinda want to post something now.

(fixed her a meal)

noone will respect me

or ever turn to me in any professional context

if i blab like this.

b/c to be ‘professional’

is to be not confessional

to be hidden

to put on a face.

 

facebook kills me

totally drains me

my edit re-edit navigating-self-presentation aspect

goes crazy there.

and it’s TMI

i want to know people in person

i want to know relevant info about the people i actually like to hang out w/in the flesh

i don’t want to expend huge swaths of energy on ‘friendships’, ‘relationships’ that don’t go beyond the ‘net.

on appearing to be well-liked

on appearing to be whatever. x y z.

the truth is

i barely have time for the few intimates i have.

god/dess knows i don’t need to be siphoning energy off into 500 ‘friends’.

 

—-

it would be incredible to have some sort of nonjudgmental ‘fan’

someone who believes in me

someone who ‘gets’ me.

it would be incredible to know this all is going somewhere incredible.

antonia: you are incredible.

you are a powerful, incredible person. your nakedness. your intelligence. insights.

they offer me comfort, laughter, solace.

i read every word of your ‘blab blab blab’.

thank you.

love,

your best fan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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