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write for myself

really enjoying the slow, quiet mornings we can have together now
w/‘school’ strategically shifted to afternoons.

all she needs to drop into this amazing zone
fully engaged
singing to herself
focused
forgetting she’s hungry
is empty space.
empty space
& some connection in the mornings.

i sneak/slip away
when she is in the zone.

_i_ need that empty space too.
how to create it for myself?
how to innovate

originate

regenerate

create!

ari has not been subduing me
or ‘taming’ me
it is simply that i have not stood in my power
gotten clear what my vision IS
OWNed it.

god/dess knows he does not want to be the ‘lion tamer’.
i have simply foisted it upon him
like an extension of the daddy-ing i had for so long.

who have i ‘hired’ to play the role of taming me?
why do i need/deserve taming? (what’s so crazy that needs to be tamed?)
if taming me were no longer important to me, what would be possible?

maybe i need taming b/c i will die if i am not tamed
i will be the extreme fucking radical edgewalker powerful original artist and innovator that i am
and i will hurt the ones i love most (story!)
and i will be misunderstood
and i will be hurt
and alone
and unloved.

i grew up w/explicit messages about not doing the things i have done
i have always been drawn to the edges
and i have felt the most alive when i have been at those edges
whether in ashtanga
or w/life modeling, art, filmmaking, bdsm, working as a pro sub, working as a dakini

‘what is it that has you fall flat on your face
over and over?
that is where your skill set is.
that is what you know and can teach/share.’

relationship.

i hunger for intimacy.
do i turn it away at every turn?

there is a part of me that hides
to stay safe
people can not come in
if i am hiding.

i have been at this one for years.

done a lot of growing in this.

it is the lesson the universe keeps giving me.

i feel isolated
not ‘like’ others
but when i am just OUT there
like w/my draw to kink years ago
all sorts of people crawl out of the woodwork
into the safety zone of my outness
and share w/me
turn to me
when their lives touch on those fields.

that is one of my gifts.

my gift is truthsaying
thereby creating space.

i have a ‘fatal flaw’ as ari would call it
and perhaps it is my great gift too
to truthsay

i also have an incredibly well developed
kneejerk
ability
to clamp it all down
erase it
excise it
delete it
suppress it
as if it has never been.
as if i am not who i am.
as if i am ‘normal’
so sweet and so happily stay at home parenting.

the truth is i am in so much pain
i can’t do this stay at home parent thing
i am not cut out for it.
i don’t care how much i like the parents i am hanging out with.
i DO NOT want to sit around chitchatting w/them all day within 10’ of our children
TRAPPED.

i have other things i want to be doing w/my life
need to be doing w/my life.
i can’t continue this.
it is unsustainable.

how to INNOVATE an exit.
how to ‘unschool’ Anja and honor myself?

the truth is i want at least 1/2 to 2/3 of my time for my work.

the ‘problem’ is noone – the world/universe – has as yet paid for my work.

what is it i have to offer?

*what have i been ‘secretly training for’ all these years?*

i have this incredible, gurgling, bubbling, deep and rich knowledge base within
that needs out.

i am trained enough.
i am in the wisdom years.

there is no job out there that has ‘antonia’ written on it.

i basically suck at
or am not a fit for
all else.

there is only one possibility or option
to innovate my own ‘job’
my own work.
and then to CHARGE for it.
to charge for it in a way i have never charged for it.

oh, god.
my deep and convoluted complications around worth
and $.
‘explore any FEARS around charging money, charging AHEAD, charging charging charging’
‘You are here to CHARGE’

i feel i am worth a lot.
i fear the truth is i am worthless.
and that noone cares what i have to say or offer
and that is proven

(interruption)
(revision: visitation)
(request to not talk to me for a few minutes; i’m deep in the middle of)

(argh)

and that is proven
b/c rarely has $ come my way for
anything i have ever done.

not good enough.
never ready.
(despite the ridiculous amount of training i have engaged in.)

(“mommy! another slice of butter!” “get it yourself please” “mommy! please!!!!”)

(ari calling me)

(“MOMMY! please! i can’t! i don’t want to walk!”)

(ARGH!)

equanimity.

‘When you are feeling restricted – tap your ORIGINAL self – and innovate!’

okay.

i am a f*cking brilliant creative.

i can do this.

stand into my power.

start creating my life
rather than being like a rag doll
swept along by the power of ari’s vision.

i know i married this man b/c the power of his vision
his brilliance
his ability to handle $
made me feel comfortable.

but i also know i married him
b/c this is the right partner
to unleash myself with

he can hold his own
he appreciates my ‘furi’

in fact when i email or call him
i am pretty sure ‘furi’ is the name he has me pop up as

and that 1st gift of his to me:
the roaring rabbit stuffed animal.
i _am_ that roaring rabbit.
or panther
or lion.

(“aren’t my feet big?!” says anja, having just entered the room in my shoes. then, gauging i am not wanting to be interrupted and being a savvy kid: “mommy – i want to play the iPad” ;0) and she of course immediately gets her way.)

(OH this capricorn child i have been blessed with. little manager boss dominatrix.)

(sassy smart ass)

(whose energy perhaps is a bit overlapped with mine)

(who, really, is sort of like my lover right now; we sleep next to each other, our etheric mammalian fields together. ari sleeps in the office due to my snoring instead of in the family bed.)

BUILDER OF NEW WORLDS.
Visionary.

there is so much grief around the above
there has been so much stuckedness
feeling trapped
excruciatingly unhappy
w/this stay at home parent gig
w/no way out.
or so i acceded to.

the no way out:
ari is not going to pay for an artist to sit around being an artist
he is an artist too.
if i am not bringing in cash
then my contribution is stay at home parenting
unschooling

he is not going to put his daughter in school
and pay for me to not be w/her

SO
on the table:
how to innovate things so i am doing the work i am meant to do
that i must do to be happy
to be a good mother and spouse
AND how to open the gates
to dare to
let
others
in
with their
energy
including
in the form of
money.

‘no trades’ HB said.

the truth is i burnt out on trades in the days of documentary filmmaking.

i have done way too much
offering of my skills
and energy
for no pay
deferred pay
in ‘trade’

and i can’t handle that anymore.

no more.

what are my fears around $?

it is incredibly convoluted for me
b/c i have let it become wound up in my value
in how the world values me
my time

i have even gifted/paid people
to be able to do my work.

no more backpedalling
spinning
sucking down into quicksand.

STAND into my OWN

‘Power is a choice, not a condition.’

Lifetime: 21 The Universe (World)
Growth year: 10 Wheel of Fortune [began on your Birthday) – (Anja dialoguing w/me) fortune, opportunity, breakthroughs via choices]

‘you do not figure it out by thinking about it
you figure it out by DOING’

okay.
what to do

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